Hurting Alone

December 27, 2007

I’ve
been so good at being alone most of my life. That’s part of the
difficulty, I’ve come to understand, because my life was very solitary
before I got cancer. I LOVE my solitude and need it. ‘Specially as a
sensitive, a musician, poet, an artist and priestess. When I’m strong
and healthy I go nuts if I can’t have some space to myself now and
then.

 

But
there is a fine line between solitude and isolation. Interesting that
both these words have "sol" in them, which I think means "self." In my
younger years when I was struggling morefor the right to have my own
space, I found that most folks misinterpret it as rejection. Their
feelings get hurt and they go away, thinking you are telling them you
don’t want them at all. Not true!

I always just wanted the balance…
times of togetherness…times of separateness… times for us…times
for me. I still believe that is a healthy way to be, but our society
does not promote it; particularly with regard to women. We are supposed
to be continually merged and suffocating. Or we are condemned to the
opposite end of this particular little duality. It’s an aspect of
co-dependency I think…

   

So
in achieving my quest for solitude I ended up in isolation… and there
were other things that contributed to that… problems with work and
community…poverty…lifestyle…beliefs… later health issues…
depression…Same
thing with lovers. I never really wanted to live with my lovers… just
nearby. :0) I’ve always wanted eternal commitment though! I found that
keeping some separateness in our relationship kept the passion and the
depth and intensity and romance and joy alive… and that too much
merging killed it. There needs to be a little space between two magnets
for that magical "pull" to happen that draws them together. The longer
you resist the pull the more ecstatic the ultimate joining. It is a
dance, an art form for lovers. Dancing into and through one another and
out the other side and back into the Self for a while and then it
begins again. ‘Cause yes when you’re deeply in love you do kinda"lose
yourself" for a while when you merge.

The ancient priestesses
practised this in the temples, making love with supplicants, possessed
by deity… merging, blending, separating. It helped to remember that
in those passionate moments they became the Goddess….larger than
life… more than their everyday selves… that they needed the skill
of dancing in and out of that comfortably… Loving, merging and
letting go. A really different value system than today’s picket fence.
A system in which women remained empowered, so naturally patriarchs had
to do something about that.

But
again most of my lovers couldn’t get this simple principle. They
insisted on the picket fence and anything else was taken as rejection.
Heartbreaking when I couldn’t persuade them otherwise.

 

I
do think it’s possible for couples to live under the same roof – if
they have a lot of space and each have spaces of their own and are able
to maintain the balance… but I’m a believer in the "it takes a
village" principle… not just for raising kids, but for all healthy
relationships between humans. I think the old tribal way of life
promotes it automatically and is so much more workable than our system
of mononuclear families living in"little boxes on the hillside and
they’re all made out of ticky tacky.." LOL That’s froma song by Malvina
Reynolds called Little Boxes… (oh reminds me,just saw Edgar
Scissorhands yesterday on the tube…amazing film.)

So
then I got cancer and now I am needing people around me most of the
time. I do have more of that happening now, thank Goddess. But I still
wake alone in pain several times during the night, after naps in the
day. The last fewtimes I took these recently prescribed delaudin pain
meds I vomited alone too. ugh what a horror. Still facing the ordeals
of getting medicine down with no one there to support me through it.
Sometimes we just need emotional support…sometimes bringing something
in or carrying something out or picking up something from the store…
things that come up spontaneously and aren’t scheduled or planned for
ahead…sometimes I just need someone to come by and check on me and
reassure me that someone is around and ready to help if I need it…


This is all so different for me and I’ve had to learn to let it in.
It’s been good for me to do this to some extent and as I make peace
with it I find that I am enjoying some of it… it’s been nice to have
people around! :0)

 

And
sometimes my helpers burn out, get overloaded, irritable, start to say
no more, disappear. I’ve found it’s not good to speak over much about
my sufferings… some folks can’t handle it. It’s not that they don’t
care or love me… it’s just hard for them to witness me in pain and
discomfort and they feel helpless around it… or they feel my pain
too…and need to go away. No wonder elders and folks with illnesses
get so stoic and keep "a happy face on" and don’t say a lot about it.
Me I always wanted them to be real with me and know I would support
them… and I’ve always been so open myself, so it’s quite an exercise
to withhold. Thank Goddess we can speak openly about everything here at
Moonspells!

 

I
am hopeful that we can fix this though, so please everyone reading
this, don’t go into distress over me ok? Hospice is sending another
person soon, and there’s another place they know that has some
volunteer help too. One secret is to have lots of helpers so no one
person gets too much of the load. Hard on the helpee though, ’cause all
their schedules and tasks have to be coordinated and organized. It
quickly gets chatoic and confusing otherwise… sigh. I have had some
greathelp with that though too… just hope that helperdoesn’t burn
out! LOL

 

A
lot of this should get easier soon when/if I find the right pain
medication. I’ll be more able to do stuff on my own if I can get out of
pain.Cancer
does seem to beresponding to the chemo treatments. I haveno bleeding at
the moment! This is a good sign. And now a week off from chemo. Instead
I have the pain doc and a dentist appt. Praying for a good week! :0)

 

So
nese honey I hear you loud and clear. Perhaps you too are working on
that balance between solitude and isolation. Have you ever noticed that
the word "alone" is really "all one." !! We are never lonely when we
remember that we are one with the all. I realize I’m never really
alone,even when I feel as though I am, because there are so many sisters
around the world who love me, are thinking about me, praying for me,
sending energy… so many who are going through similar struggles and
know what it’s like…

 

We are AloneTogether, like in my Crone chant:

 

I’m a prosperous, loving healthy old crone
With my cauldron and my cat and my cookin’ stone
I’m a Healer, I’m a Lover, I’mTogether, I’m Alone
I made it through the journey, now I’m safe atHome!

 

:0)

 

Alone Together. All-One To-Get-Her.

 

Love you,

Shekhinah

From Moonspell Library

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